Late Night Cycles and Consistency

Apparently I haven't posted anything for the year and we're into the 5th month!
I just want to take the time and talk and make some confessions.
For some reason, I'm afraid of having myself captured in any mode I can't control, whether it be pictures, writing or whatever, the possibility of my having little control over the method limits me.
I don't know why I'm hiding myself. I hate all this internal conflict.
I hate having to talk myself out of doing things that I want to do and I know that I rationalize that I do it for the greater good and that I do it because each time I limit my short term wants, I further my long term desires. However, tonight I'm having a hard time seeing the correlation. I want him. I rationally know it's a bad idea, there's no long term possibility of fruitfulness but the short term solution for the long term benefit hasn't exactly panned out. I want start my career. I know about the long hours and having no life but I don't feel like I have much of a life right now. I wish everything didn't come down to money but right now it sure feels like it does and I have none. Even sitting in a dark room is going to cost something and I have to eat. I hate relying on others because I DO feel like it makes me weaker, dependent, like I owe them something and like they think they have a pass to walk all over me and hurt me and I don't want to do it. I don't want to rely on anyone. I hate all the emotional bullshit. I'd like to go through life for some time and not be caught up in the emotional BS or feel like I'm failing myself everytime I make some rational decision and I hate feeling like being irrational is a bad thing when that might just be the best way for me to operate. I hate feeling like I have to please anyone. I hate feeling like I can't please myself. I want it all. I want to fall in love. And I mean really fall in love. I want some man to know that he doesn't want a life without me and I want to know that he's the best thing that ever happened to me. I want to get married. I want to grow old with a best friend and a partner who makes life that much easier, that much better. I want to have babies. Multiple and endlessly. I want my belly to swell with child and I want to work out like mad and get my current body back. I want to hold a little child in my arms and give it everything. And I want to do it over and over again. I want to help people. I want to spend my life having my own voice and sharing that voice at EVERY opportunity I get. I want to use it, and drawing and every single talent I have to fight for and help people. I want to matter. I don't want any emotional manipulation about how to go about doing all these things. I don't want to feel like going after the things I want compromise anyone else's wants. I want an overall feeling of contentment ALL the time and I don't want to spend all of my time thinking and not doing. I'm tired, I know. But I don't want to read about it or think about it, I want to be about it. It's 2:39am I know, and it's time to sleep. It's hormones, sure -and I'm thinking alot; yeah. It STILL doesn't change anything or make any of this less true. It is what IT IS.