Its been sometime.
What part of ourselves do we keep hidden behind a smile?
If you could read every part of your life, your past and all your little nuances.
What part of that book would you rip out? Forget it ever existed.
Surely you wouldn't choose to forget the moments that make you who you are.
But there are moments where the sheer monster of yourself
IS so real and definate and bitter and beautiful
that it leaves you shocked, heart beating so fast or barely beating at all
wishing you could freeze time, take it back or protect yourself.
And you know that all you have to do is make it to another day
Flip the page -or better yet; rip it out
Then you could go on.
You could choose who you're going to be
- Nobody is perfect after all.
Tell yourself about all the things that will make you happy;
Go after them and keep moving
Because the only person you have to convince is yourself
And once you do that, well then you've got everybody fooled.
The Analytical Dreamer
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Time After Time
If I could sum you up in a sentence;
It would be that you love without reservation and you take all of me like rain over your skin.
That's probably why I'm in awe of you.
It's so funny how love is close to the fear of loosing.
Not that I'm afraid of loosing you; I live without you all the time.
It's just that I expect you to be there like my favourite books on the shelf.
I want you to know that you touched the core of me,
But all I can do is smile and look away.
It would be that you love without reservation and you take all of me like rain over your skin.
That's probably why I'm in awe of you.
It's so funny how love is close to the fear of loosing.
Not that I'm afraid of loosing you; I live without you all the time.
It's just that I expect you to be there like my favourite books on the shelf.
I want you to know that you touched the core of me,
But all I can do is smile and look away.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Believe in Yourself
*So this was part of a note to a good friend, but it is something that we all need to remember from time to time so I'm including it here.
Its funny how we've both been feeling disillusioned by the way we've been living our lives in the past. It really is all about exercising your creative spirit and using the talents God has given you to make a difference in other people's lives. Being given a talent by God is such a defining thing because it’s like he weaves it into the very soul of who you are so that your life can never be entirely fulfilling unless you're producing with that talent. I have to say that I'm just astounded by how centered I feel whenever I'm writing or painting -same feeling you get when you're in deep prayer, singing a good gospel song like your whole being makes sense, irrespective of what's happening in the world. It’s incredible really... Our talents must be a form of worship and self-realization.
On the weddings topic; I have to say that although I know of people getting engaged, but I don’t have a lot of married friends. Yet anyway. I know what you mean about weddings though; it’s like you're excited and happy for the person getting married, at the same time, you're anxious about whether your time will come. Not that marriage fixes everything, but I suppose we've been socialized to think there's a happily ever after that follows marriages. Even if it’s not always happy, I still like the idea of having a day to day companion that you go through the problems of the world with.
The biggest thing that happened this past week happened on Sunday. I had a friend staying with me through the whole weekend and everyday, we had someone else over that we were chilling with. Nothing big happened really except, that the weekend gave me a lot of time to talk -and suddenly I'm articulating things in my life that I never really thought about and I'm realizing my spirit is a little sad and discouraged. I woke up Sunday feeling down and out; I lay in bed for awhile and finally I got up. I started doubting myself; I started thinking that maybe all the things I've wanted to do with my life has just been me going from one day to the next. Maybe I don't believe in myself -and worse yet, maybe God doesn't believe in me.
So I prayed and I asked God to help me see the difference; to show me that he loved me and believed in the things I want to do with my life. Then I went into the living room and flipped on the tv, and that's when something great happened. I'm not a big tv watcher -I mean I can leave it on for hours but if I expect to make it through any show without falling asleep, I have to channel surf all through. Sunday mornings always means lots of church tv going on, so this Sunday wasn't any different. What was different is what one of the pastors was preaching on following your dreams and he was using himself as an example. There were 4 important things he said everyone should know -but I only tuned in on
3) Don't let people talk you out of your dreams, and
4) Don't talk yourself out of your dreams.
He said the most important person we listen to in our day to day lives is ourselves, so we have to stop doubting ourselves and believe in God and take actions to make our dreams come true.
He said he remembered the first time he had a church. A very tiny church that was basically run by him, his wife and an old lady named Maude. He realized that to understand what it would mean to build a great church of God, he had to talk to great Church leaders across the nation. So he decided to call up great church leaders and offer them a hundred dollars each to answer his questions and pray with him. He said that he remembers sitting his car after each time and just praying over the paper where he wrote their answers and asking God to do to him, what He had done for those others.
It made me think of all the ways I doubt myself and how God is speaking to me through this man and telling me that he needs me to start believing in myself because he believes in me. I get so caught up in work because it’s literally all I do -but it’s not all I have to do and its certainly not all God has called me to do. Every time I allow myself to become immersed in work, a restlessness comes over my spirit and I'm dissatisfied. I become unhappy with my days in the office, working and not being properly compensated or appreciated, not writing or painting. Not doing anything at all and just being satisfied to come home everyday and dwell in my inabilities. I started to think about how I'm allowing the gift of life that God has given me to pass me by -and soon enough I'm going to allow myself to be one of those who were invited but were not chosen because of my own fears and doubts in myself and in God.
Suddenly, I remembered countless times God had to come in and show me how he believed in my abilities and yet there I sat, doubting. I turned on my computer and started writing. I've gotta find a way to make sure I never lose myself because then I'd really have nothing. I've gotta use my talents and so do you! Generation Make it Happen is going to be BIG, and I called it!
Goodluck with your works into this world.
The Analytical Dreamer
Its funny how we've both been feeling disillusioned by the way we've been living our lives in the past. It really is all about exercising your creative spirit and using the talents God has given you to make a difference in other people's lives. Being given a talent by God is such a defining thing because it’s like he weaves it into the very soul of who you are so that your life can never be entirely fulfilling unless you're producing with that talent. I have to say that I'm just astounded by how centered I feel whenever I'm writing or painting -same feeling you get when you're in deep prayer, singing a good gospel song like your whole being makes sense, irrespective of what's happening in the world. It’s incredible really... Our talents must be a form of worship and self-realization.
On the weddings topic; I have to say that although I know of people getting engaged, but I don’t have a lot of married friends. Yet anyway. I know what you mean about weddings though; it’s like you're excited and happy for the person getting married, at the same time, you're anxious about whether your time will come. Not that marriage fixes everything, but I suppose we've been socialized to think there's a happily ever after that follows marriages. Even if it’s not always happy, I still like the idea of having a day to day companion that you go through the problems of the world with.
The biggest thing that happened this past week happened on Sunday. I had a friend staying with me through the whole weekend and everyday, we had someone else over that we were chilling with. Nothing big happened really except, that the weekend gave me a lot of time to talk -and suddenly I'm articulating things in my life that I never really thought about and I'm realizing my spirit is a little sad and discouraged. I woke up Sunday feeling down and out; I lay in bed for awhile and finally I got up. I started doubting myself; I started thinking that maybe all the things I've wanted to do with my life has just been me going from one day to the next. Maybe I don't believe in myself -and worse yet, maybe God doesn't believe in me.
So I prayed and I asked God to help me see the difference; to show me that he loved me and believed in the things I want to do with my life. Then I went into the living room and flipped on the tv, and that's when something great happened. I'm not a big tv watcher -I mean I can leave it on for hours but if I expect to make it through any show without falling asleep, I have to channel surf all through. Sunday mornings always means lots of church tv going on, so this Sunday wasn't any different. What was different is what one of the pastors was preaching on following your dreams and he was using himself as an example. There were 4 important things he said everyone should know -but I only tuned in on
3) Don't let people talk you out of your dreams, and
4) Don't talk yourself out of your dreams.
He said the most important person we listen to in our day to day lives is ourselves, so we have to stop doubting ourselves and believe in God and take actions to make our dreams come true.
He said he remembered the first time he had a church. A very tiny church that was basically run by him, his wife and an old lady named Maude. He realized that to understand what it would mean to build a great church of God, he had to talk to great Church leaders across the nation. So he decided to call up great church leaders and offer them a hundred dollars each to answer his questions and pray with him. He said that he remembers sitting his car after each time and just praying over the paper where he wrote their answers and asking God to do to him, what He had done for those others.
It made me think of all the ways I doubt myself and how God is speaking to me through this man and telling me that he needs me to start believing in myself because he believes in me. I get so caught up in work because it’s literally all I do -but it’s not all I have to do and its certainly not all God has called me to do. Every time I allow myself to become immersed in work, a restlessness comes over my spirit and I'm dissatisfied. I become unhappy with my days in the office, working and not being properly compensated or appreciated, not writing or painting. Not doing anything at all and just being satisfied to come home everyday and dwell in my inabilities. I started to think about how I'm allowing the gift of life that God has given me to pass me by -and soon enough I'm going to allow myself to be one of those who were invited but were not chosen because of my own fears and doubts in myself and in God.
Suddenly, I remembered countless times God had to come in and show me how he believed in my abilities and yet there I sat, doubting. I turned on my computer and started writing. I've gotta find a way to make sure I never lose myself because then I'd really have nothing. I've gotta use my talents and so do you! Generation Make it Happen is going to be BIG, and I called it!
Goodluck with your works into this world.
The Analytical Dreamer
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Michael Jackson is dead.
Michael Jackson is dead.
June 25th, 2009.
This is the part where people say what they were doing when history shapes itself.
In my story, I am sitting in a gray cubicle where I won't matter after I am gone.
Ed McMann died this week. So did a bunch of other people.
Farah Fawcett is in raggedy suede strips of cloth on posters.
She's just died of complications arising from rectal cancer
Mike says its from getting it up the ass too much. Kinky women.
I'm thinking of her son strung out in jail, finally having a legitimate reason to escape.
Mothers are beautiful and overbearing things.
I am contemplating ice cream in the sun.
Rain hammers hard against the streets and the window behind me.
The fog of gray covering the skies is night in the daytime.
Thunder is cracking the sky so loud
Elizabeth ten minutes walking, and 15 minutes icream distance can hear it.
There won't be any ice cream today
Probably best to watch gluttony and the figure instead
The coupon will last all of July.
Michael Jackon is dead and I don't know it yet.
The skies do.
In the afternoon, I'm thinking that I'll never get to meet him.
Not that I wanted to, until now.
Thriller scared me as a child in Nigeria.
You are Not Alone almost convinced me that I wasn't.
There are too many people for you to be alone; loneliness doesn't notice.
Another powerful person has passed me at the stoplight.
People crowd the hospital waiting aimlessley.
It is enough that he is significant.
I am in jealousy and Awe because it is enough that he sang.
I can't make 365 days count for anything yet.
I would have liked to shake his hand, point towards the future and tell him that he is not alone.
-Fan
June 25th, 2009.
This is the part where people say what they were doing when history shapes itself.
In my story, I am sitting in a gray cubicle where I won't matter after I am gone.
Ed McMann died this week. So did a bunch of other people.
Farah Fawcett is in raggedy suede strips of cloth on posters.
She's just died of complications arising from rectal cancer
Mike says its from getting it up the ass too much. Kinky women.
I'm thinking of her son strung out in jail, finally having a legitimate reason to escape.
Mothers are beautiful and overbearing things.
I am contemplating ice cream in the sun.
Rain hammers hard against the streets and the window behind me.
The fog of gray covering the skies is night in the daytime.
Thunder is cracking the sky so loud
Elizabeth ten minutes walking, and 15 minutes icream distance can hear it.
There won't be any ice cream today
Probably best to watch gluttony and the figure instead
The coupon will last all of July.
Michael Jackon is dead and I don't know it yet.
The skies do.
In the afternoon, I'm thinking that I'll never get to meet him.
Not that I wanted to, until now.
Thriller scared me as a child in Nigeria.
You are Not Alone almost convinced me that I wasn't.
There are too many people for you to be alone; loneliness doesn't notice.
Another powerful person has passed me at the stoplight.
People crowd the hospital waiting aimlessley.
It is enough that he is significant.
I am in jealousy and Awe because it is enough that he sang.
I can't make 365 days count for anything yet.
I would have liked to shake his hand, point towards the future and tell him that he is not alone.
-Fan
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A Turning Point
Do you want to know when things changed?
I'll tell you.
It was the morning afterwards.
It could have been the same night.
I woke up without remembering sleep, and there you were with your eyes closed.
Me on the bed, you on the floor.
How polite, how disappointing.
You could have been sleeping, I know. But you weren't.
Last night I held you against me
All my excesses bursting out of me and into you.
You're lying there trying to figure out what to do. With me.
I don't know how we ended up here. I liked you.
Did you know that?
You're right, I don't know everything.
I barely know you, but I liked you.
You're attracted to me -it's possible that you do like me.
But we both know I don't fit into what you want.
Funny, I always seem to fit at first.
You've got charisma, and all those other things I wasn't born with.
You can have everything, but you don't even know what you've lost.
You juggle because its easier, tell the truth to relieve yourself
Its close enough to you peeing on me. I hate that.
I could almost hate you.
My hate for other people is strong enough that I could project it to you.
I get up. I'm leaving, but you don't know it yet.
I call your name to be polite. You pretend to be asleep.
You think I care. I could, I'm sure of it, but I already don't.
I'm walking away now, slowly on tip-toes.
I don't want you to hear me leave because its precise.
Its going to be a slow pain for you, and such ease for me.
You won't be able to catch me like this again; all open for you.
Next time I'll smile. I'm an expert evader.
I'll pretend you have no feelings because I want to sleep too.
I hurt you, and other people too.
I feign ignorance for everyone, including myself.
I walk away.
It takes you longer to leave.
Guilt's holding me back.
Its brought me here now.
I'm relieving myself, like you.
I feel sorry that we seem the same.
- Xandele II
I'll tell you.
It was the morning afterwards.
It could have been the same night.
I woke up without remembering sleep, and there you were with your eyes closed.
Me on the bed, you on the floor.
How polite, how disappointing.
You could have been sleeping, I know. But you weren't.
Last night I held you against me
All my excesses bursting out of me and into you.
You're lying there trying to figure out what to do. With me.
I don't know how we ended up here. I liked you.
Did you know that?
You're right, I don't know everything.
I barely know you, but I liked you.
You're attracted to me -it's possible that you do like me.
But we both know I don't fit into what you want.
Funny, I always seem to fit at first.
You've got charisma, and all those other things I wasn't born with.
You can have everything, but you don't even know what you've lost.
You juggle because its easier, tell the truth to relieve yourself
Its close enough to you peeing on me. I hate that.
I could almost hate you.
My hate for other people is strong enough that I could project it to you.
I get up. I'm leaving, but you don't know it yet.
I call your name to be polite. You pretend to be asleep.
You think I care. I could, I'm sure of it, but I already don't.
I'm walking away now, slowly on tip-toes.
I don't want you to hear me leave because its precise.
Its going to be a slow pain for you, and such ease for me.
You won't be able to catch me like this again; all open for you.
Next time I'll smile. I'm an expert evader.
I'll pretend you have no feelings because I want to sleep too.
I hurt you, and other people too.
I feign ignorance for everyone, including myself.
I walk away.
It takes you longer to leave.
Guilt's holding me back.
Its brought me here now.
I'm relieving myself, like you.
I feel sorry that we seem the same.
- Xandele II
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Self
Hum of the heater. Hot air turning my skin on and off. Its nearly two in the morning. Eyes are burning. Fighting off sleep to get this thing down. No, its not going to be one of those late night excavations. Though I appreciate midnight exclamations. This is Perception.
I was speaking to a friend earlier. We got to talking about people; what we see in others and who we are. Alot of what we see in other people is reflection of what we see in ourselves. Our greater flaws and our enduring qualities. This is why the people I have been most taken by(that complement me + who I aim to be) are those who have qualities I aim to copy. The people I avoid are those with characteristics I cannot understand or accept. Like my own flaws, these people become imperfections in my life and I walk away.
Regardless of which part of the spectrum a person falls into, I'm at a disadvantage because I have not seen that person. I may have spent the time, but I could only appreciate them in so far as I appreciate what I see adn what I see are qualities of my own life and who I've become. None of it has anything to do with who they really are or how their experiences has shaped them. Somehow I spend time with people and I miss what this world has given them and why God has brought them into my life. They make no impact outside of my own self-development. In essence, I get to continue living in my own bubble with few interruptions on who I am. I do not grow, and I do not learn of my value in relation to others and to the world. There are limited perceptions of self that I can identify.
It seems to me that there are 3 versions of who we are:
1.) There is the one that everybody sees; the guy in the mirror. The one we identify with for the sake of others and abhor at the same time. This is the identity we allow others to give name to in the form of a birth name, race, gender, sexual identification, social characteristics. We allow ourselves to be defined as agressive, friendly, shy etc. In truth, we never quite buy into that version of ourselves. We see the contradiction in these definitions and our actions. Still, its a coat we put on so we won't have to be cold in the social climate of our lives. Its a brand-power that allows us to fit into groups and cliques so that we can belong to something more tangible and destructively influential than our mere being.
2.) The intimate self. The self of thoughts. Its the person we look at and never quite see in the mirror. The one with all the wrinkles and scars that nobody sees. The sad and evil eyes that make us look away from the silvery reflection and down to the sink pooling with murky water. The individual we secretly construct. The one who explains and justifies our actions. That allows us to understand we will not always have answers to the things we do. Our tarnished self and mystifying conscience. It is our true selves.
3.) The God within us. Mercy personified. Our invincible, invisible selves. The irrational self that transcends all explanation or social understanding. It's the self that walks hand in hand with dumb luck, coincidence, fate. The self that knows of, and experiences God. There's no way to grasp this self. You try, but everything about this self is in contradiction of who you're supposed to be (1. the sweet girl, criminal) and who you think you are (2. selfish, the survivor). This self follows no rules, requires no strenuous activity and manages to survive inspite of the other versions of you. This is the self that experiences sheer humanity and surpasses our perceived capabilities. It is the utter joy experienced through blessings unfounded. This is the self that brings you to your knees.
This is who you are. It seems to me that if I am all these things then others must be as well. They too must be multi-faceted. They must have values, experiences and flaws I know nothing about. If I choose to see them as myself -through my own experiences, I miss out on their greater purpose, I loose out on the experience of knowing them. Then I do not grow but see myself replayed. I interpret other people's actions without their explanation of the cause. I allow myself to believe I know the truth because of my false sense that I know me. Worse yet, I make no siginifcant impact on others because I never learn who they are, to know what they need from me. Then maybe I do not share myself with them. If I do not share myself, I cease to exist and no versions of who I am will matter in the great wave of humanity.
The Analytical Dreamer
I was speaking to a friend earlier. We got to talking about people; what we see in others and who we are. Alot of what we see in other people is reflection of what we see in ourselves. Our greater flaws and our enduring qualities. This is why the people I have been most taken by(that complement me + who I aim to be) are those who have qualities I aim to copy. The people I avoid are those with characteristics I cannot understand or accept. Like my own flaws, these people become imperfections in my life and I walk away.
Regardless of which part of the spectrum a person falls into, I'm at a disadvantage because I have not seen that person. I may have spent the time, but I could only appreciate them in so far as I appreciate what I see adn what I see are qualities of my own life and who I've become. None of it has anything to do with who they really are or how their experiences has shaped them. Somehow I spend time with people and I miss what this world has given them and why God has brought them into my life. They make no impact outside of my own self-development. In essence, I get to continue living in my own bubble with few interruptions on who I am. I do not grow, and I do not learn of my value in relation to others and to the world. There are limited perceptions of self that I can identify.
It seems to me that there are 3 versions of who we are:
1.) There is the one that everybody sees; the guy in the mirror. The one we identify with for the sake of others and abhor at the same time. This is the identity we allow others to give name to in the form of a birth name, race, gender, sexual identification, social characteristics. We allow ourselves to be defined as agressive, friendly, shy etc. In truth, we never quite buy into that version of ourselves. We see the contradiction in these definitions and our actions. Still, its a coat we put on so we won't have to be cold in the social climate of our lives. Its a brand-power that allows us to fit into groups and cliques so that we can belong to something more tangible and destructively influential than our mere being.
2.) The intimate self. The self of thoughts. Its the person we look at and never quite see in the mirror. The one with all the wrinkles and scars that nobody sees. The sad and evil eyes that make us look away from the silvery reflection and down to the sink pooling with murky water. The individual we secretly construct. The one who explains and justifies our actions. That allows us to understand we will not always have answers to the things we do. Our tarnished self and mystifying conscience. It is our true selves.
3.) The God within us. Mercy personified. Our invincible, invisible selves. The irrational self that transcends all explanation or social understanding. It's the self that walks hand in hand with dumb luck, coincidence, fate. The self that knows of, and experiences God. There's no way to grasp this self. You try, but everything about this self is in contradiction of who you're supposed to be (1. the sweet girl, criminal) and who you think you are (2. selfish, the survivor). This self follows no rules, requires no strenuous activity and manages to survive inspite of the other versions of you. This is the self that experiences sheer humanity and surpasses our perceived capabilities. It is the utter joy experienced through blessings unfounded. This is the self that brings you to your knees.
This is who you are. It seems to me that if I am all these things then others must be as well. They too must be multi-faceted. They must have values, experiences and flaws I know nothing about. If I choose to see them as myself -through my own experiences, I miss out on their greater purpose, I loose out on the experience of knowing them. Then I do not grow but see myself replayed. I interpret other people's actions without their explanation of the cause. I allow myself to believe I know the truth because of my false sense that I know me. Worse yet, I make no siginifcant impact on others because I never learn who they are, to know what they need from me. Then maybe I do not share myself with them. If I do not share myself, I cease to exist and no versions of who I am will matter in the great wave of humanity.
The Analytical Dreamer
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Hello Blog
Welcome!
So I've decided to start a little blog of my own. Selfishly motivated of course to give me an outlet to vent on social issues, art, personal dilemmas without getting so personal as to air out anyone's dirty laundry (including my own) and miscellaneous. I'll give you a little subject title for each blog to aid you in deciding whether or not to venture into reading it.
The plan is to not only get some thoughts out there but to get some dialogue going (if possible) on some of the madness out there in the real world. The name 'The Analytical Dreamer' is inspired by my intentions. This blog is intended to be in part truth, in part fiction; so expect it to cause you to question and entertain you.
Make sure I live up to that expectation by commenting!
For my part, I'm using the blog to:
-Flesh out some of the 'crazy' ideas in my head. Apparently, I'm a little off-center in the "normal" scheme of things (but who isn't?)
-As a space to scatter and recollect my creative writing (characters I've made up, and ideas I cannot let go of). It will not always be 'me' writing.
-A room to vent -so rant back.
Feel free to visit between your internet adventures!
The Analytical Dreamer
So I've decided to start a little blog of my own. Selfishly motivated of course to give me an outlet to vent on social issues, art, personal dilemmas without getting so personal as to air out anyone's dirty laundry (including my own) and miscellaneous. I'll give you a little subject title for each blog to aid you in deciding whether or not to venture into reading it.
The plan is to not only get some thoughts out there but to get some dialogue going (if possible) on some of the madness out there in the real world. The name 'The Analytical Dreamer' is inspired by my intentions. This blog is intended to be in part truth, in part fiction; so expect it to cause you to question and entertain you.
Make sure I live up to that expectation by commenting!
For my part, I'm using the blog to:
-Flesh out some of the 'crazy' ideas in my head. Apparently, I'm a little off-center in the "normal" scheme of things (but who isn't?)
-As a space to scatter and recollect my creative writing (characters I've made up, and ideas I cannot let go of). It will not always be 'me' writing.
-A room to vent -so rant back.
Feel free to visit between your internet adventures!
The Analytical Dreamer
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