Hi Blog world,
Lots of analysis going on in the land of the dreamer, but really what I'm doing here at 3:38am is to get a few thoughts down on paper for anyone who is reading. First of all, I know that life is hard. Believe me, I get how difficult it is to grow up believing that your dreams are possible, and then age and realize that it's work to even continue believing in the same dreams -let alone continue to go after those dreams.
I think that you can though. I think that if each day is worth waking up to, if each day is to have a purpose, it is to get up and not only make your best life possible, but make the lives of others possible. So yeah, you might not quit that dreaded job today because you need to save up enough money to live on as you search for something better, but by getting out of bed and dreaming and living the day, you're that much closer to making all things in your life possible.
Now I'm not a preacher and I'm not a risk taker. This is the Analytical Dreamer because I probably spend way too much time thinking things through as though my thoughts can somehow determine the outcome of my actions if I just think a little more before acting. I've probably missed out on some of my life because I've imagined what happens next and assumed it to be the inevitable conclusion. However, life is meant to be lived. So if you need to take a minute to give yourself a pep-talk, take the minute but go out there and live! The future isn't guaranteed to you or anyone else so don't let your thoughts be the reason why you're sitting back watching other people live their lives.
My little secret right now is that I've been having the same person run through my mind over and over again and I've been completely conflicted about about my feelings for him. The problem is that I have not rationally picked to feel this way about him! The only time I act these days is when my feelings line up with my rational thought. You see he is perfect as he is but he is not what I thought I wanted and I had already crafted out where he belongs in my life and he fit there so nicely that I had no desire to change it whatsoever. It isn't passage of time that's caused me to want him, so I'll blame it on suddenly spending too much with him. But I'm scared to act on my feelings for many reasons. One, because I don't want to lose him. Two, because it'll change things into something I have not rationally accepted. Three, I don't know how strong these feelings are or if it'll last. Four, I don't want to have to explain to anyone that matters to me why I suddenly have these feelings for this specific person or why I think it's okay for me to act on them. I'm not even sure I think it's okay to act on them. I don't even know if he feels the same way I do. Granted he's attracted to me, but if I let myself get lost in attraction each time, I'd probably waste alot of time and have a lot more baggage. I don't want him to be baggage, I want him to remain a part of my life. I do understand that nothing I do or say can ever guarantee that he will remain a part of my life so the big chance I've taken is to write down my thoughts as they relate to him -in a message addressed to him.
I just can't get myself to send it. Writing it was such a big step for me, that I feel like I've already lived by stating my feelings in concrete form. It could be enough for me to know that. Plus, I don't want my note to be the boulder that sends him running for the hills. And if we somehow move past this and maintain things as they were, I don't want this to be evidence that someone can use against him or I to change things. I don't want any significant others to know about this. I don't even want him to have it to re-read or send to someone else to make sense of it. Quite frankly, as much as I get caught up in emotion, I'm really careful to make sure there's no evidence of that emotion to remind me or the person I cared for, that I ever felt that strongly about them. How about that for baggage?!
So now I have to decide, to send or not send?! I've considered waiting for time to pass and eventually just showing him the note on the stipulation that it is mine to destroy right after he reads it but I'm sure that'll seem crazy in itself. I could just read it right before I see him and hope to get the same message across in speaking with him. What I'm more inclined to do is to let it go, not send it or say it until I get an indication that it will be well received -if I say it at all. Oh, I'm sure that thought is coming from insecurity, but it's also coming from a traditional part of me that places value on all these rules. For example, if I say it first he may never think he had the same thoughts independent of me, or he may never appreciate me because he'll feel like he's always had me. Worse than all of that, is that I could actually believe that these examples could be real. The only real problem that matters with sending it is that I could actually lose him or lose the way we were with one another and in all truth, I don't know if that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter, especially since I've started with the little speech above -am I being a hypocrite?
In any case, as all things pass and all things come, it is officially Christmas eve and I want to wish you a very merry Christmas and may you have loved ones around you to appreciate your company and to make this holiday well worth committing to memory.
The Analytical Dreamer
Monday, December 24, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
End of JZ
Hello. It's been awhile. I'm now trying to do better. Lots have happened in my every day life since our last conversation but none of it matters in the big scheme of things here. This evening I got an email from my best friend with a link that took me on an exploration of the end of a relationship. On any other day, it would have made me sadder than it did. I've become so familiar with the end of things, especially relationships, that most times just thinking about it makes me depressed. So much so that I think I'm going to start a group of blog Posts specifically dedicated to the end of relationships just so I can make some effort at closure in the only way that makes sense to me. Feel free to tell me your 'The End' stories and we'll get something going. In line with these blog posts, and the email I received from my best friend, the first one will focus on the end of my most recent foray into the world of -for lack of a better name -'romance'. Here goes:
1. I told her I was amazed at how quickly you slipped past my defenses. You'd kiss me so gently, with a soft shiver running through you that I wanted to let you do anything and have anything. I made no expectations of you, and I believed it would be enough.
2. I called you that evening to find out when we were meeting. Somehow you'd forgotten our plans and was in a car with your friends. You didn't realize the plans were definite you said. I wanted to break up with you then, but I was always running, so I stayed. I told myself that in time, it would be different. They met you first, and you were used to them.
3. Two months in and you said you loved me. I was grateful I felt no need to laugh, disparage you or dismiss you. I wondered whether you knew what the words meant. You wanted the words, and maybe even the feeling but all that I could give you was silence, and a carefully mustered sentence on needing time to articulate the words. What I needed was time to find the feeling for you.
4. I don't know why I didn't play a song for us or daydream about you. I thought that in time even my heart would yearn for your nearness. That the affection would grow into an intensity, because you were wonderful.
5. I started calling us 'the real JZ'. Bad move when I had previously dubbed the other one 'AtoZ'. But you were 1950's and I was the renaissance. You liked everything I did not. We could have been yin and yang.
6. You brought up me opening up to you. If it was anyone else, I would have been running in the opposite direction but I sat there and listened to you. I wanted to believe it was because you were different, but it was because I was. I was watching my dreams morph into nightmares as they became my reality, and I couldn't stand the thought of this one being the same. Opening up to you was my rational reaction.
7. I pressed myself up against you, hoping to somehow create this intimacy and find a need for you when I lay back down. Instead of warmth, I felt lukewarm and I thought of someone who wasn't you and hoped that I would give you what I gave him. Then what you gave began to feel like nothing, and it took effort to focus on you, to feel like I wasn't settling.
8. I hated almost everything around you. I hated the conversations, and the thoughts and most of the people. I didn't fit and your people made sure that I knew it. In your life I understood what it meant to be lonely in a room full of people. We planned our lives together and I wondered how much of your life now would be included in that future. I didn't want anything that came out of me to be a part of your life. I pushed away that nagging thought that said if I hated your life, how could I love you?
9. I began to dread holidays with you. Each time I would wait for you to ask me what I want and become frustrated when I had no answer. I listed random things just so I wouldn't have to brace myself to receive the proverbial toaster. There was not enough words our communication for me to tell you that I didn't care about the holidays, I just wanted you to notice me.
10. You had a weekly standing engagement with one group of friends -the same group that you had lunch with and made plans with on the weekends. You complained if a week went by and you didn't see the couple. It frustrated you that there were days were they wanted to be alone. But you lay next to me and thought that should be enough. There wasn't enough time on the weekend for there to be an us, where all the people in your life are not in the same room. It didn't matter to you that I spent the weekdays trying to make it matter, trying to make sure I mattered.
11. We had both been up since 7am working, but while you finished before 5pm and took a nap before playing video games on the computer, I continued working. It was now midnight and I was still up working. At 10pm, you had offered me your help and I rejected it. I asked you for help because I knew I would be up past 4am. You yelled at me about how you're always helping me. I asked but you could only remember one time that I needed you. I never needed you before and we were both okay with that. I was used to not asking for anything from anyone, but that was only because I am familiar with disappointment. I knew I would never need you again.
12. I didn't know I stopped caring until that moment where you were in the car and I was driving. You were yelling about what you wanted, and I couldn't even muster anger. I had already had this fight with you long before you began to speak. We'd had the same fight over the course of two years. You waited for a response, and I had none. You waited for me, but I was ready to move on.
13. You overheard me telling her that I hadn't been happy with you in a long time. You acted surprised and that told me it was the end more than anything else you could have said. I said I wanted a break because I didn't want to be the one to break-up when you were ignorant to it's coming, when all this time had passed. But it was over before I said the words. The break-up was a formality we engaged in days later. I was disappointed that all I felt was relief. It's funny now that I called us 'the real JZ', when I don't know how much of us was actually real.
-The Analytical Dreamer
1. I told her I was amazed at how quickly you slipped past my defenses. You'd kiss me so gently, with a soft shiver running through you that I wanted to let you do anything and have anything. I made no expectations of you, and I believed it would be enough.
2. I called you that evening to find out when we were meeting. Somehow you'd forgotten our plans and was in a car with your friends. You didn't realize the plans were definite you said. I wanted to break up with you then, but I was always running, so I stayed. I told myself that in time, it would be different. They met you first, and you were used to them.
3. Two months in and you said you loved me. I was grateful I felt no need to laugh, disparage you or dismiss you. I wondered whether you knew what the words meant. You wanted the words, and maybe even the feeling but all that I could give you was silence, and a carefully mustered sentence on needing time to articulate the words. What I needed was time to find the feeling for you.
4. I don't know why I didn't play a song for us or daydream about you. I thought that in time even my heart would yearn for your nearness. That the affection would grow into an intensity, because you were wonderful.
5. I started calling us 'the real JZ'. Bad move when I had previously dubbed the other one 'AtoZ'. But you were 1950's and I was the renaissance. You liked everything I did not. We could have been yin and yang.
6. You brought up me opening up to you. If it was anyone else, I would have been running in the opposite direction but I sat there and listened to you. I wanted to believe it was because you were different, but it was because I was. I was watching my dreams morph into nightmares as they became my reality, and I couldn't stand the thought of this one being the same. Opening up to you was my rational reaction.
7. I pressed myself up against you, hoping to somehow create this intimacy and find a need for you when I lay back down. Instead of warmth, I felt lukewarm and I thought of someone who wasn't you and hoped that I would give you what I gave him. Then what you gave began to feel like nothing, and it took effort to focus on you, to feel like I wasn't settling.
8. I hated almost everything around you. I hated the conversations, and the thoughts and most of the people. I didn't fit and your people made sure that I knew it. In your life I understood what it meant to be lonely in a room full of people. We planned our lives together and I wondered how much of your life now would be included in that future. I didn't want anything that came out of me to be a part of your life. I pushed away that nagging thought that said if I hated your life, how could I love you?
9. I began to dread holidays with you. Each time I would wait for you to ask me what I want and become frustrated when I had no answer. I listed random things just so I wouldn't have to brace myself to receive the proverbial toaster. There was not enough words our communication for me to tell you that I didn't care about the holidays, I just wanted you to notice me.
10. You had a weekly standing engagement with one group of friends -the same group that you had lunch with and made plans with on the weekends. You complained if a week went by and you didn't see the couple. It frustrated you that there were days were they wanted to be alone. But you lay next to me and thought that should be enough. There wasn't enough time on the weekend for there to be an us, where all the people in your life are not in the same room. It didn't matter to you that I spent the weekdays trying to make it matter, trying to make sure I mattered.
11. We had both been up since 7am working, but while you finished before 5pm and took a nap before playing video games on the computer, I continued working. It was now midnight and I was still up working. At 10pm, you had offered me your help and I rejected it. I asked you for help because I knew I would be up past 4am. You yelled at me about how you're always helping me. I asked but you could only remember one time that I needed you. I never needed you before and we were both okay with that. I was used to not asking for anything from anyone, but that was only because I am familiar with disappointment. I knew I would never need you again.
12. I didn't know I stopped caring until that moment where you were in the car and I was driving. You were yelling about what you wanted, and I couldn't even muster anger. I had already had this fight with you long before you began to speak. We'd had the same fight over the course of two years. You waited for a response, and I had none. You waited for me, but I was ready to move on.
13. You overheard me telling her that I hadn't been happy with you in a long time. You acted surprised and that told me it was the end more than anything else you could have said. I said I wanted a break because I didn't want to be the one to break-up when you were ignorant to it's coming, when all this time had passed. But it was over before I said the words. The break-up was a formality we engaged in days later. I was disappointed that all I felt was relief. It's funny now that I called us 'the real JZ', when I don't know how much of us was actually real.
-The Analytical Dreamer
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Between Us
I bet you’re not even thinking about me.
And I’m sitting here wondering how we got here.
I know all the reasons why I love you, and all the reasons
why we can’t be.
I just want it to be simpler than that. I want all that time
to be what it was.
And whatever forms to be stronger.
I just can’t stand the thought of losing you. That’s why I’m
sure I can’t be with you.
But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sitting here
wondering what you’re thinking,
Whether you’ve ever wanted me –or want me now.
And if at any point when you said you loved me, you meant
for more than what we were.
How can you be my other self and I can’t reach you or touch
you now?
You know everything there is to know about all I’ve ever
done,
And you stayed.
For all that has passed, I’ve never felt like there was
a distance between us until now.
I’ve never felt like I did not know you, what you wanted or
needed.
Until now.
Until now.
Maybe this is what you need; for time to pass between us,
For the emotion and words I want to share with you to cease
to exist
Maybe that’s what I should be wanting.
But all I want to do is tell you that I love you
And that in that moment, I would have been fine with just
you and I
My body kept still because any move I made would put
this distance between us.
I can keep silent still, because I miss you and I don’t want to lose you
For you I will let this time pass
And pretend that I felt nothing, that I never wanted you
Maybe we could go back to the way we always were.
- Analytical Dreamer
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