To send or not send, live and let live

Hi Blog world,

Lots of analysis going on in the land of the dreamer, but really what I'm doing here at 3:38am is to get a few thoughts down on paper for anyone who is reading. First of all, I know that life is hard. Believe me, I get how difficult it is to grow up believing that your dreams are possible, and then age and realize that it's work to even continue believing in the same dreams -let alone continue to go after those dreams.

I think that you can though. I think that if each day is worth waking up to, if each day is to have a purpose, it is to get up and not only make your best life possible, but make the lives of others possible. So yeah, you might not quit that dreaded job today because you need to save up enough money to live on as you search for something better, but by getting out of bed and dreaming and living the day, you're that much closer to making all things in your life possible.

Now I'm not a preacher and I'm not a risk taker. This is the Analytical Dreamer because I probably spend way too much time thinking things through as though my thoughts can somehow determine the outcome of my actions if I just think a little more before acting. I've probably missed out on some of my life because I've imagined what happens next and assumed it to be the inevitable conclusion. However, life is meant to be lived. So if you need to take a minute to give yourself a pep-talk, take the minute but go out there and live! The future isn't guaranteed to you or anyone else so don't let your thoughts be the reason why you're sitting back watching other people live their lives.

My little secret right now is that I've been having the same person run through my mind over and over again and I've been completely conflicted about about my feelings for him. The problem is that I  have not rationally picked to feel this way about him! The only time I act these days is when my feelings line up with my rational thought. You see he is perfect as he is but he is not what I thought I wanted and I had already crafted out where he belongs in my life and he fit there so nicely that I had no desire to change it whatsoever. It isn't passage of time that's caused me to want him, so I'll blame it on suddenly spending too much with him. But I'm scared to act on my feelings for many reasons. One, because I don't want to lose him. Two, because it'll change things into something I have not rationally accepted. Three, I don't know how strong these feelings are or if it'll last. Four, I don't want to have to explain to anyone that matters to me why I suddenly have these feelings  for this specific person or why I think it's okay for me to act on them. I'm not even sure I think it's okay to act on them. I don't even know if he feels the same way I do. Granted he's attracted to me, but if I let myself get lost in attraction each time, I'd probably waste alot of time and have a lot more baggage. I don't want him to be baggage, I want him to remain a part of my life. I do understand that nothing I do or say can ever guarantee that he will remain a part of my life so the big chance I've taken is to write down my thoughts as they relate to him -in a message addressed to him.

I just can't get myself to send it. Writing it was such a big step for me, that I feel like I've already lived by stating my feelings in concrete form. It could be enough for me to know that. Plus, I don't want my note to be the boulder that sends him running for the hills. And if we somehow move past this and maintain things as they were, I don't want this to be evidence that someone can use against him or I to change things. I don't want any significant others to know about this. I don't even want him to have it to re-read or send to someone else to make sense of it. Quite frankly, as much as I get caught up in emotion, I'm really careful to make sure there's no evidence of that emotion to remind me or the person I cared for, that I ever felt that strongly about them. How about that for baggage?!

So now I have to decide, to send or not send?! I've considered waiting for time to pass and eventually just showing him the note on the stipulation that it is mine to destroy right after he reads it but I'm sure that'll seem crazy in itself. I could just read it right before I see him and hope to get the same message across in speaking with him. What I'm more inclined to do is to let it go, not send it or say it until I get an indication that it will be well received -if I say it at all. Oh, I'm sure that thought is coming from insecurity, but it's also coming from a traditional part of me that places value on all these rules. For example, if I say it first he may never think he had the same thoughts independent of me, or he may never appreciate me because he'll feel like he's always had me. Worse than all of that, is that I could actually believe that these examples could be real. The only real problem that matters with sending it is that I could actually lose him or lose the way we were with one another and in all truth, I don't know if that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter, especially since I've started with the little speech above -am I being a hypocrite?

In any case, as all things pass and all things come, it is officially Christmas eve and I want to wish you a very merry Christmas and may you have loved ones around you to appreciate your company and to make this holiday well worth committing to memory.


The Analytical Dreamer