The Self

Hum of the heater. Hot air turning my skin on and off. Its nearly two in the morning. Eyes are burning. Fighting off sleep to get this thing down. No, its not going to be one of those late night excavations. Though I appreciate midnight exclamations. This is Perception.

I was speaking to a friend earlier. We got to talking about people; what we see in others and who we are. Alot of what we see in other people is reflection of what we see in ourselves. Our greater flaws and our enduring qualities. This is why the people I have been most taken by(that complement me + who I aim to be) are those who have qualities I aim to copy. The people I avoid are those with characteristics I cannot understand or accept. Like my own flaws, these people become imperfections in my life and I walk away.

Regardless of which part of the spectrum a person falls into, I'm at a disadvantage because I have not seen that person. I may have spent the time, but I could only appreciate them in so far as I appreciate what I see adn what I see are qualities of my own life and who I've become. None of it has anything to do with who they really are or how their experiences has shaped them. Somehow I spend time with people and I miss what this world has given them and why God has brought them into my life. They make no impact outside of my own self-development. In essence, I get to continue living in my own bubble with few interruptions on who I am. I do not grow, and I do not learn of my value in relation to others and to the world. There are limited perceptions of self that I can identify.

It seems to me that there are 3 versions of who we are:

1.) There is the one that everybody sees; the guy in the mirror. The one we identify with for the sake of others and abhor at the same time. This is the identity we allow others to give name to in the form of a birth name, race, gender, sexual identification, social characteristics. We allow ourselves to be defined as agressive, friendly, shy etc. In truth, we never quite buy into that version of ourselves. We see the contradiction in these definitions and our actions. Still, its a coat we put on so we won't have to be cold in the social climate of our lives. Its a brand-power that allows us to fit into groups and cliques so that we can belong to something more tangible and destructively influential than our mere being.

2.) The intimate self. The self of thoughts. Its the person we look at and never quite see in the mirror. The one with all the wrinkles and scars that nobody sees. The sad and evil eyes that make us look away from the silvery reflection and down to the sink pooling with murky water. The individual we secretly construct. The one who explains and justifies our actions. That allows us to understand we will not always have answers to the things we do. Our tarnished self and mystifying conscience. It is our true selves.

3.) The God within us. Mercy personified. Our invincible, invisible selves. The irrational self that transcends all explanation or social understanding. It's the self that walks hand in hand with dumb luck, coincidence, fate. The self that knows of, and experiences God. There's no way to grasp this self. You try, but everything about this self is in contradiction of who you're supposed to be (1. the sweet girl, criminal) and who you think you are (2. selfish, the survivor). This self follows no rules, requires no strenuous activity and manages to survive inspite of the other versions of you. This is the self that experiences sheer humanity and surpasses our perceived capabilities. It is the utter joy experienced through blessings unfounded. This is the self that brings you to your knees.


This is who you are. It seems to me that if I am all these things then others must be as well. They too must be multi-faceted. They must have values, experiences and flaws I know nothing about. If I choose to see them as myself -through my own experiences, I miss out on their greater purpose, I loose out on the experience of knowing them. Then I do not grow but see myself replayed. I interpret other people's actions without their explanation of the cause. I allow myself to believe I know the truth because of my false sense that I know me. Worse yet, I make no siginifcant impact on others because I never learn who they are, to know what they need from me. Then maybe I do not share myself with them. If I do not share myself, I cease to exist and no versions of who I am will matter in the great wave of humanity.


The Analytical Dreamer